Kim Kap Hwan's Thread of Justice

[Nightscape]

Kim: If you knew that I was coming into your house right now to assess how evil you have been and then dispense the appropriate amount of JUSTICE based on my findings, what would you do? Would you lock your door? Would you hide? Would you welcome me in and then offer me a drink and a hair care product? Perhaps you would call over all your friends to come marvel at my handsome visage and perfect teeth? Whatever the case may be, JUSTICE would be dealt out accordingly. I would kick down your door. I would find you. I would drink your orange juice, wash my hair, and knock your teeth down your throat. I would drag you, and everyone you know, with me to my concentration camp—ahem—Justice Compound. There, you would train night and day to right your wrongs and become a better person! Consequently, training involves a lot of digging, cleaning, and menial labor that will make me wealthier and more able to close that pointless dojang in Italy…

…Grrr….

BUT I DIGRESS! I want to come into your house and abduct you—HELP YOU! Yes, I meant to say help you become the Tae Kwon Do person you were meant to be! Why? Because JUSTICE IS THE ONLY WAY! (That and everyone escaped again as soon as I left.)

SANTA CLAUS! You have been naughty this year! You are going to wish that all you got was coal this year!

Listen up, you bulbous red hobo! I have been making a list and checking it twice just to see who has been evil and who has been IN THE RIGHT! I can see you (and Kang Baedal) made it on my evil list AGAIN this year as you have done year after year without fail. You say you can see me while I am sleeping and you know when I am awake, but did you see me kicking overstuffed heavy bags that had red winter coats draped around them and giant white beards taped to the front? Will you be able to perceive my foot upside your head when I call upon the mighty power of the JUSTICE BIRD (some people still foolishly refer to it as a phoenix)? I DO NOT THINK SO. I had been spending this entire year preparing for your inevitable visit to my home! Just be thankful that I was called away to bigger things this time around. You think you know who has been bad or good? YOU FOOL! Only I know what is right in this world and what is truly wrong! My feet dancing on your corpulent face? RIGHT! You sneaking into people’s houses at night and leaving concealed packages? WRONG! That new Athena album Jhun won’t stop playing since my STUPID student, May Lee, bought it for him as a gift? SUPER WRONG! Me pampering myself in front of the bathroom mirror for HOURS ON END!? SO RIGHT THAT YOU CAN NOT HANDLE IT!

And speaking of breaking an entering and leaving “presents” behind; do you not realize that leaving packages unattended will get you into serious trouble in most airports and stadiums? Do you think I would not care or notice if you left a BOMB IN MY HOUSE? What now Santa? ARE YOU RESORTING TO TERRORISM! I saw you left a “gift” under the tree for Jae this year. After I inspected it I saw it was that new fangled “PS360” that all the kids are talking about and it was packaged with that hot new fighting game, “King of Critical Counters XIV.” Nice try, Santa, getting my son a game that features yours truly… BUT YOU CAN NOT FOOL ME! Not only did I destroy that bomb you tried to KILL MY SON with, but I also ran upstairs AND BEAT THE LIVING HELL out of Chang and Choi just for good measure. You think you can sneak into my house and blow up my loved ones and Jhun? You have got another thing coming!

So, Saint Nick, your whirlwind days of worldwide terrorism are over starting now! Next year is the last time, Kris Kringle. No more cookies and milk for you, Father Noel. By the way, anyone who has more titles than me DESERVES TO DIE! So if I do not manage to catch you and drag you back to my compound next Christmas you can guarantee that I will KILL YOU DEAD. It does not make sense now, but it will in 349 days! AKU WA YURUSAN! Thank you so much for the new gi! HAAA!!!
---
Don’t worry, Jae Hoon was so thankful of his father’s actions that he couldn’t stop crying and Dong Hwan couldn’t stop laughing!

[Sera]

Kim: If you knew that I was coming into your house right now to assess how evil you have been and then dispense the appropriate amount of JUSTICE based on my findings what would you do? Would you lock your door? Would you hide? Would you welcome me in and then offer me a drink and a hair care product? Perhaps you would call over all your friends to come marvel at my handsome visage and perfect teeth?

Yes, that's what I would do XD.
Welcome back, Kim!

[Nightscape]

Yeah, I have a ridiculous amount of free time out here so as long as I don't get blown up I guess I'll continue this. My New Year's resolution will be 200 declarations, finish the Ikari Files, and start something else.

ONWARD FOR THE NEW CX! WATAA!!!

[Sera]

Yeah, I have a ridiculous amount of free time out here so as long as I don't get blown up I guess I'll continue this. My New Year's resolution will be 200 declarations, finish the Ikari Files, and start something else.

ONWARD FOR THE NEW CX! WATAA!!!

Please, don't say that >_<.

...Well, I liked the Ikari Files a lot, and 200 declarations will certainly be fun to read =).

[Nightscape]

Let me rephrase that.... I'm currently at declaration number 193. I want to reach 200. Yeah, I like to keep things managable. That way when I pass my goal I feel that much better!

I was going to post this in the New Year's thread, but it was really long.


***

Meanwhile, at the Justice Dojang, Kim shows up unexpectedly from his trip to outer space!

Kim: New Year's Day is coming up and I have a few resolutions.

Adelheid: This isn't going to involve hurting anyone, wrongfully imprisoning children, or breaking someone's ribcage is it?

Kim: (shocked) What? No, of course not! I'm turning over a new leaf!

(everyone quickly gathers around Kim, all of them are in shock)

Jae: Father... Did you just use... A CONTRACTION!?

Kim: I can't say I didn't! Hahahaa!!!

Jae: (gasp) But you sound so much more--

Dong Hwan: Normal.

Kim: I know, right? Not only that, but I'm no longer going to try to close down the Italy Dojang!

Jhun: (perks up) Hmmm....

Kim: But that's not all!

May Lee: What else, Master?

Kim: (grins) I'm going to be nicer to Jhun and respect Dong Hwan for who he is!

Jae: (passes out)

Chae Lim: Wow! That is a change! (rushes over to help Jae)

Seo Yong: (cries loudly) Oh! I just don't know what to believe in anymore!

Kim: No worries, Seo Yong, I'm still here for you. Even though you HORRIBLY failed at winning Buriki One I still think you are one of my top students. I'm giving you one of my dojangs.

Seo: (gasp) B-b-b-bu... Ayeeee... (passes out)

Jhun: Whoa, whoa... WHAT? Kim, are you sick? What happened to you out there? Are you okay?

Kim: Yes, indeed. I'm totally not lying!

Jhun: Really now? (raises eyebrow) Well, when all this stuff is said and done what will you do now?

Kim: I'm going back into space! And.. (poses) I'm putting that SEXY BASTARD, KANG BAEDAL, in charge! That means he deserves all your money and Chae Lim and May Lee have to sleep with him!

Chae Lim and May Lee: (jaws drop)

Kim: (mumbles to self) Too much? (brightens up) Oh and Shizuka said she wants a new broom sword thingy. (mumbles) What? It's totally working, shut up! Go make me a sandwich.

Jhun: (thinking) Kim is either talking to himself or...

Dong Hwan: (steps forward) Wait... Dad would never--

Kim: (smiles) They also have to sleep with Dong Hwan as well!

May Lee: WHAT!?

Chae Lim: NO WAY!

Dong Hwan: That's totally cool with me. (turns to others) This is totally the real deal right here. There's no doubt in my mind that this isn't my beloved father, the mighty Patron of Justice!

Kim: HAHAHAA! He sure said it! We all know that Dong Hwan keeps it really real on the justice side!

(Kim and Dong Hwan high five)

Jhun: (smirks) And I guess you want us to re-capture all the female prisoners and make them work as your harem as well huh... Kang?

Kim: That's right, brother man! That is an excellent idea! And yeah, my name is Kang Ba--(stops) Oh wait...

Jhun: (points) HAH! I KNEW IT! (kicks off Kim's head)

(collective stereotypical anime-esque gasps)

Kim: (falls over revealing that he's a robot)

Jhun: Nice try, Kang.

Adelheid: But when did you know it wasn't him?

Jhun: (sighs) When he didn't come crashing through the wall and kick me in the back of the head shouting "HAPPY NEW YEAR" like he said he resolved to do last year...

(silence)

Justice Alley: HAPPY NEW YEAR, CX!

Jhun: Watch your heads...

[Don Vecta]

EPIC RETURN!

Kim dared to declare Santa Claus! :O TRAUMA!! I demand Krampus to do something about it!

[Nightscape]

Happy New Year!

***

Kim: A man walked up to me one day and asked, “what are the three most sweeping changes you can personally make that could change the world as we know it?” I told him, “First off, I could expand my compound to hold more evil-doers. Secondly, I could hire COMPETENT fighters (I am looking at you Seo Yong!) and send them out to fight against the scourge of evil. Lastly…” After that, I kicked him in the face, found out where he lived, and LOCKED UP his entire family. Why? He asked a stupid question, that is why! I am already making sweeping changes that affect the world as we know it, and I am not just referring to the hundreds of villains I have literally swept off their feet into ONCOMING TRAFFIC! Listen to me right now, Patrons of Justice, I AM THE WORLDWIDE ANSWER TO WORLDWIDE PEACE AND CIVILITY! Not only that, but I LOOK DAMN GOOD TWENTY-FOUR-SEVEN! No one knows the horrors that would be unleashed upon the Earth had I not been born. Oh wait… I KNOW! Rugal would have ruled the world! What will happen next, JHUN!? Will you let all the prisoners run free as well—AGAIN?  People of the world… KIM KAPHWAN IS CHANGE YOU CAN BELIEVE IN! If you do not believe it TOO BAD! I will probably curb stomp you one day!

JIN SAOTOME! Quit screaming so I can hear myself yell at you!

What kind of warrior are you, Jin? You think hiding in a giant armored robot makes you a martial artist? What place do you have in any sort of man-to-man fighting arena? NONE, I SAY! And yet just the other day I saw you battling with the likes of Captain Commando, Captain America, and probably some other Captain during some sort of “crossover fighting tournament.” To make matters worse I saw that you were teamed up with Strider Hiryu and what appeared to be a giant cactus. FOR SHAME! How can reputable fighters and justice seekers (except for maybe that cactus) team up with a guy in a giant robot? Yes, I declared some of those heroes evil in the past, but I reformed them by BEATING THEIR FACES OUT OF THE BACK OF THEIR SKULLS! You, Jin, are a fraud and you are weak! “Rage into power?” More like my foot into your face!

I do not care if you jump out of that machine to actually fight or not. You are still a pathetic weakling. When it comes right down to it, the only means you have to win are by jumping back into that robot or using it to punch someone into next week! As for that “Saotome Cyclone” move… I really do not know what to make of that. I am all for spinning techniques, but actually becoming a hurricane? That is just strange as well as highly impractical. You are doing more damage to the environment than to your opponent, so why bother? Is that building you destroyed really a threat to you? Did those trees take something from you? If you answer yes to either of those questions then you are not only far too dangerous to operate in a normal social environment, but you are also COMPLETELY OUT OF YOUR MIND which proves the first half of this statement even more so! Maybe all that spinning has made you a little crazy. You should consider medication and bed rest. If that does not work I would be happy to KNOCK SOME SENSE INTO YOU! No need for a second opinion when Dr. Kim is in the house!

So then, Jin, since it seems like you have a hard time keeping that armor on I decided to have you fitted with a gi that also functions as a straight jacket. That way I will not have to worry about you toweling off in the middle of a battle with my female students. I will not tolerate sick perverts in my dojang. AND DO NOT MENTION DONG HWAN! He is a special case… AKU WA YURUSAN! What kind of name for a robot is “Blodia” anyway? HAAA!!!
---
Kim doesn’t make exceptions unless he makes exceptions.

[Don Vecta]

lol at the toweling reference. xD

[Sera]

So then, Jin, since it seems like you have a hard time keeping that armor on I decided to have you fitted with a gi that also functions as a straight jacket. That way I will not have to worry about you toweling off in the middle of a battle with my female students.

XD

...By the way, I was thinking that I should have asked Santa for a gi, in order to match with this thread XD.

[*riot_iori*]

JIN SAOTOME! Quit screaming so I can hear myself yell at you!

Fucking-A! This quote deserves you a rep +1

Excellent fic NS!

[Ryth]

Jin Saotome. That's how a year should start!

[Nightscape]

Thanks, everyone. I appreciate the kind words.

There's some spoilers in this one for those of you who don't follow the Naruto manga or happen to be behind in the times. Tread lightly...

***

Kim: Jhun says my semi-philosophical rants are completely unnecessary and irrelevant to the cause of fighting for justice. I say that having long hair, buying all of Athena’s albums, AND HAVING A BILLBOARD FALL ON YOU PRIOR TO A KING OF FIGHTERS TOURNAMENT greatly hinders his own righteous quest to rid the world of evil. Last time I checked Kim Kaphwan was the name of the breadwinner in this dojang. Kim Kaphwan is the man who paid for his hospital bills. KIM KAPHWAN ACTUALLY CUTS HIS HAIR ON A REGULAR BASIS! Maybe you should look at yourself in the mirror before you judge others Jhun—Mr. I-Let-Rugal-Take-Over-the-World-When-Kim-Left-Because-I-Break-Under-Pressure! How about those apples, you whiney long-haired freak!?

Anyway, I was going to say something meaningful and thought-provoking, but Jhun got me so riled up with his incessant complaining that I forgot what I wanted to say. I guess I will just cut to the chase then…

NARUTO UZUMAKI! I do not, in fact, “Believe it!”

I already declared that bushy eye-browed freak, Maito Gai, evil months ago and I can see that he did not warn you that STUPIDITY WILL NOT BE TOLERATED! Maybe it was the kicks to his head that made him forget or perhaps it was my own brand of DYNAMIC ENTRY that knocked whatever sense he had left out of him. Whatever the case may be IGNORANCE IS NOT AN EXCUSE, and you are the most ignorant person I have ever laid eyes on!

First off, let me say that one on one is not the same as one on millions of one. You had better quit that shadow clone business and start fighting fair before I shove my foot up your “kage bunshin” faster than you can “kuchiyose no jutsu” an AMBULANCE! If I wanted to fight a million copies of you I would kick you so hard that you would end up in the past therefore creating multiple versions of yourself for me to STRANGLE IN ANOTHER DIMENSION! I believe in quality over quantity, fox boy. Multiplying zero by anything yields zero! REMEMBER THAT!

Secondly, I just talked to Goku, HE WANTS HIS CLICHÉ SUPER SAIYEN LEVELS BACK! First there was crimson chakra, then it got multiple tailed forms, now sage chakra? What are you? Super Saiyen 3 now? Have you considered heading up to Piccolo’s ridiculous spinning top in the sky so you can train in the hyperbolic time chamber? Maybe you will finish off Akatsuki so you can go on a quest to find the “Ninja Balls.” Heck I am sure there is at least one perverted turtle hermit—I am sorry—frog sage you would like to resurrect! YES, I DID JUST GO THERE!

Lastly, rather than yelling and screaming all the time why do you not consider some therapy? All that excess energy could be put towards something productive… LIKE SHUTTING UP! Seriously, you are the most foul-mouthed adolescents I have ever heard! Perhaps you should read a book. Excessive use of foul language is a sign of illiteracy! Do not give me any of that, “I only swear when I am angry” talk. Once is far too much for a Patron like myself to stand!

So, Naruto, instead of training under ANOTHER pervert or creepy animals how about you consider going the upstanding human route and joining my dojang. I can only imagine how much dish washing and sweeping can be done with thirty of you rather than just one. I promise I will even put your little leaf village symbol on your gi—really small under the inside collar! AKU WA YURUSAN! Bear witness to MY sexy no jutsu! HAAA!!!
---
Kim has all the goods on his foes thanks to his Justice Info Cards.

***

WATAA!!!

[Don Vecta]

LOL, Naruto has been told, good riddance!

NS, you still taking requests? If so, I'd requesta blast from the past: Axel Stone from Streets of Rage?

[FrostBurnDarkness]

Nice job, Nighty Night. Your stories always have been good to read.

[Nightscape]

I'm always willing to fufill a request from a long time reader (or anyone for that matter)! Good things come out of requests... Like the Ikari Files and certain songs on the radio.

***

Kim: The fight for greater truth is filled with adversity. It is a labor of love that I tackle with full confidence and vigor! One day I will see a world free of evil. A world I, the Justice Alley, and the do-gooders of the world can live in, free from the clutches of malevolence. Best yet, I WILL KNOW THAT IT WAS MADE SO BY MY HAND! The world will have KIM KAPHWAN to thank and, to a much lesser extent, the Justice Alley!  Every righteous thing I desire will come to pass and every enemy will topple before my might. The spirit of Tae Kwon Do rages within me and fuels me onward to glory! Villains will know no rest; fugitives will be able to hide no longer! I WILL RIGHT WRONGS AND SET THIS WORLD STRAIGHT! And I will look good the entire time I am doing so!

AXEL STONE! It is time to get off the street and step up against the Justice Alley!

You gang-busting nice guy wannabe thugs are all alike. I would say that you are no better than Cody Tavers, but he has since reformed himself thanks to my guidance and many, many kicks to the head. I believe you might be due for the same treatment! Perhaps after your brain is jostled around a bit you may be able to think clearly enough to see the errors of your ways. Either that or you will become so numb from brain damage that you will not be able to function in the real world and thus become unable to commit any more violent crimes. IT IS A WIN-WIN SITUATION IN THE EYES OF JUSTICE!

So tell me Axel, you used to be a police detective? Where in the code of the law does it say that you can run around town beating up random delinquents? I will give you a hint: IT DOES NOT! Do you think you are making anything better by going out and smashing in the faces of some unwitting vagrant? Your methods need revision, Stone, because nothing positive ever comes from violence! The only way to truly reform someone is to beat them to near death AS WELL AS force them to wash your clothes and mow your lawn for the rest of their natural lives (or until Jhun let’s them escape). Only then will they truly learn from their mistakes. Unfortunately, you live in the city so I doubt you have a decent lawn to cut. Not only that, but I have not seen you wearing a great variety of clothing so you probably do not have much to wash. Do not let that deter you from laundering what you have, though; you smell terrible! I have nothing against wearing the same uniform over and over again, but washing is NOT an option; it is a MUST!

Who told you that you could open a Karate dojo? From what I have seen you do not know the first thing about Karate, moreover martial arts in general. Are you one of those fraud teachers that watch a martial arts film, copies the moves, and hocks it to guileless children as “self-defense”? YOU ARE A HORRIBLE, TERRIBLE PERSON! And do NOT let me catch you copying moves off of me either. I may be the greatest champion this world has ever known, but I will not tolerate plagiarism! After I am done with you I am heading straight to your dojo and showing your students just what kind of bloodied, beat up sham you are!

I will let you pass when it comes to picking up weapons off the battlefield, Axel, but eating whole chickens that fall out of trash cans you destroy? That is disgusting! On that note, I seriously doubt the people of your city like you destroying every single barrel, box, and all-around breakable object on the streets in a putrid hunt for sustenance! Do you even know what “sanitary” or “hygiene” means? I doubt it. Maintaining survival is all fine and good, but try to have a little decency, man! Unless you are chowing down on a heaping plate of JUSTICE I sincerely do not believe that such drastic measures need to be taken.

Karate is obviously doing you no good. No worries, friend, because I am more that willing to train you in the fine art of Tae Kwon Do! When I am done with you I expect you will be able to kick higher, run faster, and clean dishes like they have never been cleaned before! AKU WA YURUSAN! Your Grand Upper does not stand a chance against my Hien Zan! HAAA!!!
---
Kim will beat-em-up and break-em-down!

***

WATAA!!!