Kim Kap Hwan's Thread of Justice

[RedHurricane24]

I told my followers to respect their elders a long time ago, but you do not deserve any sort of respect, Betty. What you deserve is a graceful retirement and a kick to the face! You bring shame to all elderly men and women who grow to be wise and appreciated. You are in luck, though; there is a senior citizen section in the compound just for people like you! AKU WA YURUSAN! Soon you are going to be black and blue! HAAA!!!
---
Kim delivers justice in two forms: crazed rant and vicious assault.

***

WATAA!!!

You still got it *clap 5x*
You still got it *clap 5x*
You still got it *clap 5x*
You still got it *clap 5x*
You still got it *clap 5x*
You still got it *clap 5x*

.
.
.
.

You get my point. Great job, NS.

[Nightscape]

Thanks, you guys (and gal). I really appreciate it.

So for my 200th Declaration of Evil I was left with a few choices. Son Goku was my first pick, but I also wanted to do Yusuke from the Ghost Detective anime. Then I thought, "Hey, I bet Red and Charlie Black would like this one instead!" So...

***

Kim: Some of you wonder why I do not declare Chang and Choi evil. Let me ask you this: if you spent your entire life attempting to prove something would you dismiss is as soon as you proved it? Of course not! In that same light, I would never declare those two evil because it would imply that I did not do my job adequately. THAT NOTION IS ABSURD! There has never been a time when I have not done my job and I am not about to go back on anything I have done! Declaring Chang and Choi evil would be like saying I failed to properly guide them. No one under my tutelage has ever failed anything! ANYTHING AT ALL! To be more concise, no one that I have declared evil and reformed has ever failed me. My methods are flawless! If my entire Justice Alley was composed of reformed criminals I am certain we would function far better than we do now. My current teammates have their hearts set in the right place, but they have yet to experience the full, hospitalizing effect of my reformation skills. Only an empty cup can be filled and the best way to empty a cup IS TO BREAK IT! My one regret was allowing Choi to enter under Jhun’s teaching… I fear that his day of reckoning will come soon…

JOKER! Let’s put a little FOOT on that face!

They call you the Clown Prince of Crime. HA! I will have you know that I am Patron of Justice! I am the Right Foot of Righteousness! The Glorious Grinner of Greatness! Unlike you, Joker, I am not a jester. There is nothing funny about what I do so it would be in your best interest not to make light of it. Not that it matters, though; you are not what I would call a genuinely funny individual. I apologize if I do not quite see the humor in pain, suffering, and mass murder! The only joy I get is derived from all the lives I save and all the hapless fools I defeat! YOU ARE THE NEXT!

You look like a mess, Joker. Clean yourself up and consider tanning. Also, try NOT smiling. It scares the children. I know you want to imitate my fantastic smile, but your teeth are far too cracked and yellow. A visit to a dentist would probably help that, although I would not worry too much about it. The tooth doctor will not have much to work with once I get done with you! Also, I do not know where you got your fashion advice, but purple suits DO NOT match green hair. And what is with the lipstick? What type of message are you trying to send, Joker? Are you a psycho mass murderer or are you a transsexual pimp? MAKE UP YOUR MIND! No matter what you choose I am still going to DESTROY you.

What is the deal with the props? A gun that shoots as sign that says “BANG”?  Lapel flowers that squirt deadly acid? A palm buzzer that can electrocute someone? What kind of wacked out prop comic are you? You know, I do not think Carrot Top would appreciate you stealing his act. I do not know if you have seen him recently, but he has gotten quite big. A scrawny wannabe trickster like you may want to watch his step. Then again, you have me to deal with now so I seriously doubt you are worried about anything else at the moment. That is all besides the point, though. You will not trick me with any of that useless junk! That’s right, not even the exploding comb, the laser mirror, or the poisonous toothpaste! How did I know you had all that? BECAUSE I ALREADY MADE SEO YONG TRY IT ALL! I had my suspicions, but I was not about to let free hygiene products pass me by without closer inspection!

You have taken countless lives, clown. I WILL NOT STAND FOR IT! No longer will I sit idle whilst you kill innocents! Erm—I was not sitting idle before hand per se; it was a figure of speech. Um… You see I was busy fighting other evil like your nemesis, Batman, and that craven vagrant, Captain America! You were a small fry compared to those two scoundrels! So, I guess I should have said “No longer will I allow you to kill innocents!” …No, that sounds even worse… I would never allow something like that to happen. It seems as though none of these turns of phrase are getting my extremely handsome point across. How about, “I have watched you committing atrocities from afar and now it is time for you to pay”? No, that makes it sound as though I could have done something about it, but did not. Hmmm… I have reached an impasse.

All right, Joker, you stay right there while I go find my students and run the rest of this speech by them. Apparently it needs a lot of revision. I WILL COME BACK! Do not worry about that, I will reform you—I just need to fix this Declaration of Evil first. Ugh… This is highly embarrassing. AKU WA YURUSAN! Why did I not take this more seriously? HAAA!!!
---
Kim has his priorities almost as straight as his perfect teeth.

***

It's been a while since I declared someone evil that was actually evil. I made sure to add a little irony in honor of that.

WATAA!!!

[RedHurricane24]

ROFFLE WOFFLE.  The last lines at the end, surely Kim did not just try to avoid the Clown Prince of Crime?? 

Great job as always, NS.

[Tizoc]

I haven't read any of the stuff here yet but I wanted to give you thumbs up for writting Kim Kap Hwan in the more proper Korean way

[Nightscape]

I haven't read any of the stuff here yet but I wanted to give you thumbs up for writting Kim Kap Hwan in the more proper Korean way

The very first time I made a Kim thread on CX I spelled it the same way. I still spell it the way you commonly see it in game in the posts, but I'm leaving the thread title as is. I guess if you really wanted me to go all out I could name it "Kap-hwan Kim's Thread of Justice".

[Nightscape]

Kim: I hate to toot my own horn, but I am probably the most amazing person you will ever meet. I am a phenomenal martial artist, I strike fear into the hearts of evil worldwide, and the only thing better-looking than me is two of me! I would say that I am the total package, but in my case the sum of the parts is much greater than the whole! THERE IS NO PACKAGE THAT COULD HOLD KIM KAPHWAN! No mortal man can compare to my greatness, no one can or ever has accomplished what I have accomplished. I have locked away countless foes and assembled a team so mighty that not even Earth’s greatest heroes combined could compare to it! I have done more for the city of Southtown than Terry Bogard and his friends combined—and I look better doing it! All in all, I would say that I deserve the title of being the most amazing man in existence just as much as I deserve being called a Patron of Justice! You should feel honored when I break into your home and physically assault you for doing something that you may or may not be aware of doing. You should think twice before calling the police after you witness me attack your friends and family for littering or jaywalking. THE LAW IS ON MY SIDE! Rather than run away you should pull out your autograph book and see if you can get me to sign it. I will do so happily before knocking you out for unauthorized soliciting!

VEGETA! I am going to strike you OVER 9000 times!

Jealousy is a terrible, terrible thing. Trust me, I experience it everyday—that is, I feel it directed at me from everyone else. Envy does not help anyone and it clouds one’s judgment.  So tell me this, Vegeta, why is it that you are so jealous of Goku? Is it because he is better than you? Is it because you claim to be royalty, but no one seems to want to listen to you? Maybe it is because you lose battles constantly even given your prestigious bloodline? Whatever the case may be, that is not the point I am trying to get at. What I want to know is how you can be jealous of Goku when I AM STANDING RIGHT HERE? In fact, who cares about that orange clad imbecile? Do you not know who I am? I AM KIM KAPHWAN, THE LIVING EMBODIMENT OF TAE KWON DO! If you are going to be jealous of something why not be jealous of the best? Stop thinking about how weak you are compared to Goku! You can do the same for me AND you can also mourn the fact that I am far more handsome than you as well. I almost feel insulted that you would choose to admire a monkey of a man like Goku over a chiseled HARBINGER OF JUSTICE such as myself! IT DOES NOT MAKE ANY SENSE! I can still see the doubt in your eyes, Vegeta. I guess I will have to knock that out of you!

Vegeta, what does the scouter say about my power level? Better yet, what does it say about the cleanliness of my teeth or the clearness of my skin? STOP! I would not want you to break your little toy trying to analyze the unreadable! My flawlessness is far beyond that of anything you could comprehend. No machine could measure my level of PHYSICAL PERFECTION. Your machine is not going to do you much good, Prince. I can already tell you what the next episode is going to be: you are going to lose and I am going to drag you kicking and screaming back to my dojang! No amount of flashy moves, Super Saiyan levels, or carefully drawn out introspective thought is going to help you win this battle! I will take you out with a bang and beat you in a flash!

Now then, Saiyan, I hope you are ready for this beating you are about to receive. I am sorry to say that I will not be standing around for hours on end staring at you while I proclaim that I am only at 4.8% of my power level. All you will get from me is 100% JUSTICE. You had better start powering up! AKU WA YURUSAN! I am going to go ape on you! HAAA!!!
---
Kim will put you to shame, declare you evil for being so, and then beat you up. IT’S THE WAY OF JUSTICE!

***

WATAA!!!

[Nightscape]

Kim: I was thinking about releasing an album and maybe getting into acting. Justice could use a little more publicity nowadays and I think I am the one to go about getting it! I could sing all my previous declarations of evil. I would go platinum IN SECONDS! I already have a recording studio so all I need now is musical instruments and hundreds of thousands of blank compact disks. For my movie I could reenact the time I saved the world from Rugal. It could be a multimillion dollar trilogy centered on my brilliance and Jhun’s incompetence! (I would play myself and Dan Hibiki could play Jhun!) EVERYONE WOULD GO SEE IT—TWICE! I would be awarded every prize that could be given for excellence on the silver screen! PEOPLE WORLDWIDE WOULD KNOW MY GREATNESS AND APPLAUD MY ACTING SKILLS AS WELL AS MY GOOD LOOKS! Yes, I would become a “triple threat”: A defender of the innocent, an all-star vocalist, and an avant-garde actor! Only then will people truly appreciate the power of JUSTICE… AND THERE WOULD BE POPCORN! JUSTICE FLAVORED POPCORN! I could include coupons for discounted tickets to my premier in my album and use the revenue from the popcorn sales to BUY MORE FLOSS! YES! This plan is flawless! I will start today!

SON GOKU! I hope your body can take an onslaught of pure righteousness and minty fresh breath!

I read Wu Cheng'en's famous novel, Journey to the West. I do not remember the part where a young boy bats a hand grenade back at a dangerous criminal or fights an army of cyborgs. Could you please cite the chapters wherein Sun Wukong fights space aliens, trains in a time chamber, and summons a giant ball of spiritual energy to save the world from a pink candy eating demon? I am very confused Goku, either you are a parody full of anachronisms, off-white humor, and adventure or you are a SHAMELESS INSULT TO GREAT WRITING! I am willing to bet on the latter. If you are going to base yourself off of something why do you not try to be like it? DO NOT POINT YOUR FINGER AT ME! Everything about me is completely original—ESPECIALLY MY NAME! Little known fact: the man’s name whose name I am supposedly named after DID NOT EXIST until AFTER I was created. That is correct, my greatness spawned a COMPANY PRESIDENT! Simply by existing I have created an industrious member of society! You, on the other hand, created DRAGONBALL GT! YOU ARE A HORRIBLE MONSTER!

Sorry to say, but my schedule is busy this week. I do not have time to stare at you for three days straight in preparation for a five minute fight followed by another four days of staring. I AM A MAN OF ACTION! The only staring I do is at the fine curve of my perfect chin every morning when I wake up for daily grooming! I AM NOT GETTING ANY YOUNGER, GOKU! Forgive me if I do not have the patience to stand around and do nothing! Where I come from ALL FIGHTS END IN 99 SECONDS OR LESS! And that is if you are lucky! I remember when I had to finish matches in UNDER A MINUTE during my early years! Are you afraid yet, monkey man? YOU DO NOT HAVE TIME TO BE AFRAID!

I am a hardworking man, Goku. I do not have time to sitting around all day eating IMPOSSIBLE amounts of food. Maybe you would understand if you had a job! Do not try to tell me that “saving the world” is an occupation, BECAUSE IT IS NOT! IT IS YOUR RESPONSIBILITY! And no, I am not going to show mercy to you simply because you saved the planet countless times. Do you think I showed mercy to Superman when I beat him down with a kryptonite baseball bat? I did not miss a beat when I kicked Kyo Kusanagi in the head thirty-seven times! It does not matter what you have done, Goku. I am not declaring you evil for that. I am declaring you evil because I HAVE DONE IT BETTER! That may not make sense to you now, but it will when you are BRAIN DAMAGED! Although, in your case that is not saying much…

Orange is for weaklings, cowards, and Kyokugen practitioners, Saiyan—NO ONE WANTS TO BE CONSIDERED ANY OF THOSE THINGS! If you want to shape up and start doing right you can come back to my dojang and START PRESSING MY LAUNDRY! From there I might teach you Tae Kwon Do, but PROBABLY NOT! I will be too busy finding the seven dragonballs so I can wish for you to HAVE A CLUE! You will not be joining me! There will not be a next episode! AKU WA YURUSAN! And stay away from the pantry! HAAA!!!
---
Feet that beat evil and a smile to woo the masses… THAT IS KIM!

***

Double Dragon? WATAA!!!

[Don Vecta]

lol good one. It has to take Goku and Vegeta, those were essentials! xD

[Sera]

Kim: I was thinking about releasing an album and maybe getting into acting. Justice could use a little more publicity nowadays and I think I am the one to go about getting it! I could sing all my previous declarations of evil. I would go platinum IN SECONDS!

Ahahah, I'd like to listen to those songs. And I agree that "Justice could use a little more publicity nowadays" (Ma Chao from the Shin Sangokumusou/Dynasty Warriors series could give some help XD), but that's what Kim is for, no ^_~?

[wuleiyuehyin]

I like teacher Kim who teach some crazy heros to become peace poeple~

[Nightscape]

Thanks for the words of encouragement! I had to take a break from the Ikari Files for a bit. JUSTICE CALLS!

***

Kim: I am a fairly nice guy. I could beat up all those criminals I declare evil and leave them for dead like Jhun does, but I refuse to do so without giving them a second chance to reform themselves. Not every Patron of Justice out there is going to give villains a chance to clean up their act AND my laundry. It takes a special kind of extremely handsome individual to do that... AND THAT WOULD BE ME—KIM KAPHWAN! It may hurt when I first find you and beat you down. The arduous training might hurt even more. The sleep deprivation, the cramped quarters, and the constant beatings might wear you down. Even when and if you become a Patron of Justice, there is no guarantee that I will not just keep physically assaulting you on a daily basis just because I can. NONE OF THAT PAIN AND SORROW MATTERS! Why? Because you got a second chance and not everyone gets a second chance! Each beating brings you one step up closer to COMPLETE RECTITUDE! Just think… Rather than being out on the streets living freely, you could be with me, trapped in my compound for an undisclosed amount of time doing hard labor. It is a fairly easy choice; who would not want to be locked up with me? (Maybe Rorschach?) I am an attractive man with bold ideals! If you do not agree with me I will beat you so mercilessly that you will be less troubled with your want of freedom and more concerned with all that internal bleeding you will be experiencing as a consequence of your defiance! Keep all that in mind next time you sob about not being able to see your family!

YUSUKE URAMESHI! No amount of spirit energy can match the power of justice!

Listen up, boy, when you are charged to protect the world you had better do it without griping or regrets! Do you think I whine when I wake up in the morning and patrol the streets of Southtown? Do I cry when I have to save the world from some unknown threat time and time again? NO AND NO! It is a great honor being able to save the world! Take a guess as to how many people your age get to fight evil and make a difference everyday? STOP GUESSING! The number is infinitesimal. You should be happy that you have been given the opportunity to protect the ones you love and defend your home from evil, BUT NO! You mope around with your hands in your pockets moaning about this and that. “Look at me, my name is Yusuke. I keep dying and my friends are in danger! Nobody likes me! Wah wah wah! I’m a big baby!” SHUT UP! If I hear you complain about saving the world one more time I am going to give you a real reason to cry!

It would not hurt to NOT be sarcastic every once in a while, spirit detective. If you keep condescending others and cracking jokes, no one will ever know when to take you seriously! Your job is to hunt rogue demons, not test your stand-up comedy routine. You, Deadpool, and Spiderman anger me with your snide commentary. STOP TALKING AND JUST FIGHT! Unless you are listing all the things someone did wrong you should not be saying anything to anyone you have to fight! The only thing you will hear from me is the occasional “hiya” or “attaa!” I have no time for making jokes and entertaining some imaginary audience. I get straight to the point. I TAKE MY JOB SERIOUSLY! I guess a young delinquent like yourself would not understand. Perhaps you would better comprehend my methods after you experience them firsthand!

You came back to life, became a spirit detective, and then you gained even more power when you became a demon… You went through all of this and yet you still choose to act like an impudent thug with no regard for what true justice is! I will show you what it means to be a hero, Yusuke. Then I will show you how I prefer my laundry to be folded! AKU WA YURUSAN! You are going to need a bigger Spirit Gun! HAAA!!!
---
Kim doesn’t believe in mercy when it comes to wrongdoing, dandruff, and gingivitis.

***

WATAA!!!

[Sera]

Aw, Yusuke ^^! It has been some time since the last time I heard about him.
Nice!

[Kei]

^has she been brought to justice yet?

[Nightscape]

^has she been brought to justice yet?

Why yes, Kei, yes she has. Many many moons ago... SO I'M BRING IT OUT OF THE ARCHIVES! This time with MORE JUSTICE and SHINIER TEETH!

***

Kim: Laughter cures any ailment! Sickness, sadness, solitude… It is the one thing that we all do the same. In fact, any such enjoyable activity can give strength to a feeble soul. To me, the only way to physically represent laughter is dance. While dance can capture the destitution of sadness or the fury of anger, it is the most captivating when it is representing the purity of true love and the joy of happiness. Laughter is one form of happiness that never ceases to bring delight to the hearts of the masses.

That being said, laughter is what I did NOT partake in when I witnessed something horrible on the television the other day. HARUHI SUZUMIYA! Your possibly drug-induced perkiness makes me want to vomit!

Alright, I really do not know anything about you, BUT I DO NOT CARE! Usually I take the time to meticulously study my targets; I learn as much as I can about their background, their shortcomings, and their weaknesses. THEN I STRIKE WITH THE POWER OF JUSTICE AND SHINY TEETH! You, on the other hand, do not need such attention. That dance of yours is bad enough! Let me start out by saying that I am appalled! All that time spent choreographing that dance with your fellow classmates could have been spent picking up trash or donating money to my dojang. IT WOULD HAVE BEEN TIME BETTER SPENT! I can not imagine how many countless hours were wasted on that pointless display of tomfoolery! STOP THE DANCING! Look at all the people I have declared evil that dance: Duck King, Yashiro, Eddy Gordo… AKUMA (yes, that’s right, be afraid)! They are all evil and, by association, SO ARE YOU!

After I retched up all that cuteness, I did take the time to learn your evil ways. This SOS Brigade of yours was made to investigate the existence of things that most people can not comprehend. Ironically, these people you are searching for are right under your nose! The people you seek; espers, aliens, and time travelers alike; are all in your little club! Keeping this in mind, I believe that you are a clueless idiot. Scratch that—I KNOW you are a clueless idiot! AND ONCE AGAIN YOU ARE WASTING EVEN MORE TIME! Stop searching for things that surround you everyday and open your eyes! You do not realize the effect you are having on the world by dabbling in matters that you should not be concerned with… Be warned.

But seriously, THE DANCING! You can edit reality all you want, young lady, that doesn’t bother me, JUST STOP ALL THAT FLAILING AROUND! Ugh… I feel queasy just thinking about it… AKU WA YURUSAN! Someone hand me a trashcan… HAAA!!!
---
It’s time to party with your main man, Kim! As soon as he’s done throwing up…

***

It's fun not having to think! I've got so many of these declarations stacked up (approximately 203 different ones) that EVIL HAS NO PLACE TO HIDE! I'm looking at you, Shadow the Hedgehog... Side note: All these older declarations were shorter and better written. Am I slipping!?

WATAA!!!

WATAA!!!

[Kei]

\(^O^)/