Kim Kap Hwan's Thread of Justice

[Nightscape]

At the Justice compound…

Adel: (enters with Rose) What are you guys moping around here for? I was wondering where you all ran off to.

Rose: Guy came by to challenge Master Kim again, but Adel dispatched him in his stead.

Baedal: Awww… Everyone’s mopin’ cuz they’ll be out of work soon. SNK is shutting down the games department and all 200—

Kim: (epic yell) 207!

Baedal: Whatev, broseph… All 200 of these goons are gonna run free and we’re gonna get sued out the ‘a.’

Shizuka: It’s rather unfortunate, but it looks like I’ll have to find someone else to apprentice under. (pauses thoughtfully) Then again, I suppose that’s always been a superior option.

Baedal: Eff you, ho. Make me a sammich!

Shizuka: (sighs and wanders off)

Adel: Hold on… You guys honestly believe that’s it?

Seo: (sobbing) There’s really nothing else to it… Our lives are over!

Dong Hwan: Your life has BEEN over, Seo Yong.

Jhun: Yeah, I’m still trying to figure out how we’re going to cover for this.

Chae: (blinking rapidly) We’re… Not… Real…

Chang: Some are taking the news harder than others.

Adel: (laughs) You guys! Relax! That was just a rumor! (pulls out smart phone) You see, it’s on the Cyberfanatix facebook page. Everything is fine! You guys can keep doing whatever it is you do!

(loud booing is heard from all prison cells)

Kim: QUIET! (grabs phone) Let me see that… MY GOSH HE IS RIGHT! IT SAYS SO RIGHT HERE!

Adel: You all should relax and not freak out. You failed to complete two story arcs because of this and you haven’t declared any evil this year. Chin up, go out there, and—well—help people? I guess you can call it that…

Rose: Yes, and please hurry before Galford or Strider Hiryu comes to challenge the dojang again!

Kim: (grinning, beaming with JUSTICE) Then it has been said and it is true! We will persist in ridding the world of evil!

Jhun: (puts on headphones) And I can keep loving Athena!

Chae: (snaps out of daze) And that means we’re real!?

Baedal: ‘Fraid not, chica. WHERE’S MY SAMMICH, SHIZUKAAAAAA~!? (runs off)

(everyone leaves)

Chae: … But… (blank stare) But…

[Don Vecta]

lol... poor Chae Lim, she's still in disbelief! XD

Nice entry, NS! Sure brings that touch of comedy even in the fanboy tumultuous days of losing SNK-P. I wonder what were the impressions of some of the guys inside the compound: Vice, Billy, O. Chris, Robert, Ryo, Terry, Andy, KUSANAGI, Yagami, Kyo, Athena, etc.

...and even would be interesting to see the input of some Capcom, Namco, Arcsys and whatnot characters about the almost extinct SNK-P... at least in rumor.

[Nightscape]

lol... poor Chae Lim, she's still in disbelief! XD

Nice entry, NS! Sure brings that touch of comedy even in the fanboy tumultuous days of losing SNK-P. I wonder what were the impressions of some of the guys inside the compound: Vice, Billy, O. Chris, Robert, Ryo, Terry, Andy, KUSANAGI, Yagami, Kyo, Athena, etc.

...and even would be interesting to see the input of some Capcom, Namco, Arcsys and whatnot characters about the almost extinct SNK-P... at least in rumor.

You know, you're right. I overlook the fact that most of those guys are/should be locked up. Maybe Guy and Strider will team up and find out some info on their own...

[Nightscape]

I went back to my "Justice Blog" and I think I'm going to start posting stuff like this:

***

Now I do not usually stick my neck out in favor of anything. My neck is incredibly handsome, smooth, and well-formed. If anything were to happen to it the world may grind to a PAINFUL CATASTROPHIC HALT! But when it comes to the things I love and appreciate: justice, abiding by the law, tacos, and my sons (in that order), I will gladly leap forth in their honor! Well... I'm a firm believer in learning on your own and independence so I may not "leap forth" as readily for my sons, but WHO WILL DEFEND A TACO!?

Anyway, I read something amusing today: http://www.eurogamer.net/articles/2011-02-14-report-ea-rejects-mirrors-edge-2-pitch

Now, in my opinion--ahem--in my factpinion, I believe that Faith and her sister are horrible criminals. I am not going to ruin the scenario for you, but it involves a lot of running, the color red, and a mirror... THE EDGE OF A MIRROR! Anyway, if the government becomes a corrupt force of evil then FIGHT THE POWER! I would not recommend breaking its laws in any other way besides staging a coup. Breaking a corrupt law is evil in the face of evil so that's like--MEGA EVIL. Then again, staging a coup can be considered evil, but it WORKS A LOT BETTER AS A MOVIE PREMISE. I value justice above all else, but I also understand the importance of MARKETABILITY! You can call me the STOCKBROKER OF KICKS--TO THE FACE! And yes, I would chase down Faith and kick her in the face. She is a common criminal, a red fetishist, and is considered by some to be sexier than me. ABSURD! ALL OF IT!

Allow me to tie this all together... You see, I mentioned sticking ones neck out, because fans will leap forth and declare something great, holy, or "rocking." It is sort of their duty as fans. Alas, many fans say things like, "I really loved the game, although I never finished it." LEAVE ME, HEATHEN! What is the point of claiming to love something and care for a cause if you never really delved more deeply than saying hello and maybe exchanging a friendly, sexually charged handshake? MORE ABSURDITY! Let me catch one of my fellow Patrons of Justice say, "I really support Kim, but maybe he shouldn't have jumped those orphans for littering." I WILL CRUSH THEM LIKE RIPE GRAPES! You either go all the way or you do not go at all. I can say I loved the live-action Mario Bros. movie, but I never finished it. I stopped it once it started getting bad (the first three and a half minutes). I can say the concept was good and the story had promise, but is my opinion really viable? NO! Well... in my case my opinion is ALWAYS viable. Let us just pretend I am a normal person.

Yes indeed, you fans need work. Go out and beat those games before you beg for sequels. Watch those movies before you start talking about how avant-garde they are. AND DO NOT QUESTION MY ACTIONS AGAINST MINORS! You litter, you get beat down. THAT IS THE EQUATION OF THE DAY! I do not care how terminally ill you are!

AKU WA YURUSAN! HAAA!!!

***

Whatdya think?

WATAA!!!

[Don Vecta]

LOL, nice! I like the idea of "opinion-fact columns" about gaming news. Hey, the premise might work. Keep it up!

[Running Wild]

"I'm the hottest, most brillent, genius of a man that ever lived. Allow me to perfect the man-race by donating my super sperm to all the sexy young ladies out there!"



I've had my sights set on you for awhile.... Mamoru Takamura! You say your punches are dynamite? Guess what?

MY KICKS ARE NUCLEAR WARHEADS, BOOM BOOM BOOM. KNOCK YOU OUT IN A SINGLE HIT YA KNOW~

Cuz I'm Kim Dong Hwan, and my Dong is bigger and badder than your little cocktail weenie, Hawk-Man.

You are the most obnoxious boxer I ever seen, you make Rick Strowd look like a Care Bear. You're incredibly lame Japanese puns on top of that amazingly dated half-afro half-pompadour hairdo of yours is just plain sad. Even worse is your complete lack of talent at attracting the opposite sex which is worse than Johnny Bravo. You seem to have no problem attracting men around you, and despite that, you treat them like shit. They are supposed to be your bro's! YOU DON'T SHIT ON YOUR BRO'S. LITERALLY.

You may think your fight record is impressive, having not experienced a loss yet. I can guarantee you now, if you stepped into the ring of mixed martial arts, even joke characters like Hwa Jai would beat you down.

You're rehabilitation begins today Takamura! I'll make more of a man out of you than that prune of a coach of yours ever could! Actually. I won't need to do a thing. My pop will take care of everything. Hahahaha. Geniuses like me don't need to do any work. Have fun~

I'm gonna go chill out with my man Miyata now. Ippo is gonna be so jealous when he sees me hanging out with the love of his life.

And Now... KIM DONG HWAN'S SECRET LABORATORY WHERE AMAZING WONDERS ARE BORN.

Gentlemen... I've created the most amazing top tier fighter ever seen by man-kind... a fusion of elegance and elegance, on top of chinese kung-fu and dandy shennigans.

I present to you... Slayang! Or is it Yangler? Slayerang? Ahhh... haven't figured that part out yet.


IT'S ALIVE.

IT'S ALIVE!!

Slayang: As the wind does blow
        Across the trees, I see the
                Buds blooming in.... HIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIE  

Chang: I'm scared.
Choi: I think he's kinda cute buddy-boy.
Hwa Jai: *HIC*... well hello there lovely little lady, I'm Hwa. But you can just call me Hwa.
Raiden: Uhhh...
Dong Hwan IT'S BEAUTIFUL. ORIGINAL CHARACTER. DO NOT STEAL.

[Nightscape]

Wow... That's amazing.

Well done.

FATAL EDIT:

Kim: I am looking at the monthly utilities bill here and it seems as though a great deal of money is powering some unknown activity. (crumples bill) I can only surmise one of two possible reasons for this... Either someone in the Alley has built a powerful lab underneath the Justice Compound that rivals that of the mighty M Bison/Vega and notorious Robotnik/Eggman combined or Jhun has been investing even more of his time and MY money in building up an Athena-themed entertainment center...

Chang: Master, we could just walk down to the Compound and--

Kim: TO JHUN'S ROOM! (rushes off)

[Don Vecta]

About fucking time you returned to declare evil, Izzy! That one was real epic!

Hope the Justice Alley gets collective activity back once again!

[Running Wild]

"It ain't easy being easy"

When I think back to the golden era of cartoons, I have fond memories of cartoons like Scooby-Doo, Snagglepuss, and Quick Draw McGraw.

But there is one cartoon I do not have any fond memories of... and that my friends is... FAT ALBERT!!

HEY HEY HEY! IT'S JUSTICE TIME WITH THE DONGSTER-RAMA.


Dong Hwan: Wait a second... you're not Fat Albert!
Wesker: Are you calling me fat?
Dong Hwan: Well you are fat and your first name is Albert.
Wesker: I HAVE... FATBOROS. COMPLETE. GLOBAL. SATURATED FAT.
Dong Hwan: GTFO!! *Kicks Wesker into orbit* You don't deserve to be in MvC3!! AND YOU RUINED JILL FOR ME FOREVER. JILL IS NOT SARAH BYRANT OR NINA WILLIAMS. YOU SICK FUCK!

I AM THE TAEKWONDO BATTLE GOD, A SEXY GENIUS AMONG MEN, FOREVER IN SEARCH OF A GODDESS, BUT I ADMIT I AM ALSO A WHORE OF A MAN THAT WILL TAKE ANYTHING HE CAN GET.

Suddenly a nearby door opened up and Akari Ichijo popped in.

Akari: You'll take anything you can get?
Dong Hwan: Yup, that's right.
Akari: Me included?
Dong Hwan: Sure why not, SNK-Playmore made you 18 in the that shitty Pachinko game right?
Akari:: Yup, they sure did.
Dong Hwan: Hmmm, but you still look young...
Akari: Don't you know anything about Japanese women? They can go well beyond their 30's and still look like a teenager!
Dong Hwan: Good point

Two Hours Later in Dong Hwan's room

Dong Hwan: Awww man, that felt great. I feel like such a bad boy, its like I committed a felony and got away with it.
Akari: Oh yeah, about that.

*POOF*

Dong Hwan: WHAT THE FUCK

The smoke clears and reveals that Akari was actually a tanuki the entire time.


Tanuki: OH YEAH YOU LIKE IT DON'T YOU. I'M DEAD SEXY. CHECK OUT MAH BIG O' BALLS. *Fondles his giant tanuki testicles*
Dong Hwan: Oh my god... oh my god...
Tanuki: Well, have a good life lover boy. Call me.

The Tanuki leaves and Dong Hwan assumes the fetal position and cries. There is a knock on the door.

Dong Hwan: GO AWAY, LEMME ALONE!!!

There is a huge crashing sound and the door is knocked down. Dong Hwan steers his head at the door to catch a glimpse of the figure that walked through the door.

Dong Hwan: Oh no! NO!! I FEARED THIS DAY WOULD COME. LOOK I SWEAR SHE WAS 18!!
Chris Hansen: I'm Chris Hansen, Dateline NBC, and this is, The Pedofiles. However, I am also...

Chris Hansen reaches for his face and rips apart what appears to be a mask.

Steve Irwin: Gud day mate! I'm here on behalf ov Animno Planut's Intuhnerstional Animno Poleece to bust yer shrimp fer discreatin' a Japonesh national treashah!
Dong Hwan: OH MY GAAAAAWD!!!!
Steven Irwin: NAW IM GUNNA STICK MAH FINGUR UP YER BUTTHOLE WANKAH
Dong Hwan: FFFFFFFFFFUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU

[Don Vecta]

lolz

[Running Wild]

"How to get to South Town? Up your butt, and around the corner"

Terry: DEZ DERECTIONS SAWK, I JAWST VANNAH GIT DOH POOPOO CAHFEH
Dong Hwan: You'll get there soon enough Treey Ol' Boy Ol' Dawg.
Terry: OHVAHSHIT.

Dong Hwan: Now... I must get back to boring work, writing the wrongs of evil! Oooh, I'm such a good lil boyscout. Today's villian is...

STROMBOLI!


Mmmm... delicious... hey, wait a second! Not THAT Stromboli! The other one!



Ah yes, there he is! That evil, cruel, vile, filthy, pedophile of a man. In my book, you are the worst Disney villian ever bucko! That deviously sinister black beard, and those big fat pink lips, your sly happy man face, making poor puppet boy your prisoner and potential sex toy. NO MORE FOR YOU. I'm gonna introduce you to a puppet of my own, the Nutcracker! You won't be needing deez nuts!

Also, you're resemblance to Chang is uncanny.

However, I am not done yet, I've tracked down your acquaintances in your business of terrible deeds!

That's right, I've found you, so called "Honest" John and Gideon!


You miserable furries! Stalking young boys and girls and taking them to that Pleasure Island where they are taken prisoner! Just what sort of Pleasure is there to behad at such a place? Speak up you furballs, or in a second here you'll be choking on yours!

John: Why don't you come and find out?
Gideon: No harm in coming and taking a look right?
John: Have a chat with our good friend here, Mr.Coachman.



Coachman: You wanna go to Pleasure Island? Sure, I'll take ya's.

Dong Hwan boards a ship captained by The Coachman straight for Pleasure Island, and within a matter of minutes they arrive on the shore. Dong Hwan steps off the vessel and takes a look around at the barren ghost town of an Island.

Dong Hwan: Not what I was expecting...
Coachman: Go look around if ya want.
Dong Hwan: I don't need to do anything, I have my Justice Allies with me.

Dong Hwan grabs a Pokeball from his trainers belt and throws it the ground.

Dong Hwan: CHAE LIM, I CHOOSE YOU!
Chae Lim: What the hell... god dammit Dong Hwan! Why the hell did you put me into a damn Pokeball? It's cramped in there!
Dong Hwan: Let's face it Chae Baby, Falcoon is gone, SNK-Playmore is going bankrupt, you're useless. Except for today! We're checking out Pleasure Island!
Chae Lim: God, you're sick. I ain't giving you no pleasure! And for the record, I'm taking a vacation!
Dong Hwan: Fine, fine, you can go on vacation, just check the Island out for me.
Chae Lim: Fuck you, do it yourself you retard jackass... ugh... I feel funny.

*POOF*


Chae Lim: Whaaaat the fuuuuuck eeeegyyyyyuaaaaawghnnnnnnn
Dong Hwan: HOLY FUR FAGGOTRY BATMAN
Coachman: Gwuahahahahahahaha. That's the curse of this Island. Acting like a jackass will turn you into one, literally!
Dong Hwan: Damn... is that how it worked? I had no idea, I was like 3 when I watched that shit.
Chae Lim: eeeyuggaaaaaghnnn shut up ad do something Dong Hwan.
Dong Hwan: Well... let me just say... even as a jackass, you're still a fine piece of ass, and I'd totally hit it.
Chae Lim: You're sick and mental
Coachman: That's legal round these here parts ya know.
Dong Hwan: Really? Well hot damn... but, no, no, I gotta get home.
Coachman: Ride back to the mainland is 100 bux.
Dong Hwan: Uhh... I'm a bit short on change fine sir. Wanna take my mule instead?
Coachman: That'll do just fine
Chae Lim: You piece of eeeeuuaaaaaaaghnnnnn
Coachman: Shut up, damn mule.
Dong Hwan: Man I'm hungry for some Stromboli!
Chae Lim: CHEW ON THIS *MULE KICKS DONG HWAN IN THE FACE, sending him into orbit*
Dong Hwan: THE TAEKWONDO GOD IS BLASTING OFF AAAAGAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAIN

[Nightscape]

At the Justice Dojang in Southtown, USA…

Jhun: Uh… Kim?

Kim: (dramatically posing in front of a mirror) Yes, Jhun?

Jhun: I thought you said you were going to investigate this whole excessive electricity use issue.

Kim: I did.

Jhun: (frowns) You went to my room, kicked holes in my walls, pointed in some random directions and… (gestures around room) Here we are.

Kim: Jhun… Let me tell you something… (takes Jhun under his shoulder) You see, I could concern myself with the rising costs of electricity, water, and missing prisoners. Or—OR! I could ignore it and get May Lee to run wires over to Galford’s hideout and leech off his power.

Jhun: WHAT? (pushes away from Kim) Wait—WHAT!?

Kim: I know what you are thinking, Jhun, “May Lee isn’t a registered, trained electrician.” Well, that may be so. BUT! By the power of justice, faith, and frugality—

Jhun: FRUGALITY!? She could kill herself! Galford’ll press charges AGAIN! IT’S ILLEG—

Kim: Yes, yes… Rigmarole. (walks off) I am sure we will see through this FOR JUSTICE!

Jhun: (thinking aloud) Okay, Kim is not acting like Kim. He’s acting more impulsive, more crazy, and out and out idiotic… Well, that’s not too different, but it is cause for concern… (strikes a pose) CHOI!

Choi: (drops down from ceiling) Whaddup, boss?

Jhun: We’re going to investigate what the heck is going on with Kim…

Choi: (mock salute) Yessir!

***
Meanwhile in a recording studio in Italy…

Kang: WHOOOOA, son! It’s Kang Baedal hailing from the fine, fine saucy shores of Italia! WHAT’S GOOD!? I just got this call—okay, not really a call so much as me following the thread—about Kim not declaring evil an’ <bleep!>! Well, let me tell you a little story that will TOUCH YOUR HEART AND MAKE YOU CRY!

The year: 1999. The tournament: KOF Evolution. Kim had to make a new team for the tournament and your man, KANG BAEDAL, was on that <bleep!>!  Dawg… I WAS THE TEAM! Anyway, it was me, Kim, Chang, and Choi and we were going to MAKE IT RAIN on them poseurs at the KOF tourney! My man, Syo Kirishima was there, Gai Tendo, an’ my <bleep!>  Seth was there, too. But… You know don’t tell him I called him a <bleep!>, because that Uncle Tom BE HATIN’ sayin’, “that’s our word” an’ <bleep!>! Anyway, let me clean this up. I got kicked off the team and banished to the Italy dojang. But before I got here, I BEAT UP ALL OF THOSE JUSTICE ALLEY MOFOS!

What? You don’t believe me? Dawg… I kick tornados. NOBODY DOES THAT! Joe Higishi? Who the <bleep!>  is that? That some kind of sushi, <bleep!>? Don’t bring that talk here! Goenitz? <bleep!>, stop hatin’! You just jealous cuz I’m shiiiiiiii~iiiiinin’! Man, I control the wind! I mastered EVERY FORM OF KOREAN MARTIAL ART EVER! Word, I can kill a <bleep!> with a napkin!

I’m rambling.. SHIZUKA!

Shizuka: (behind tech booth) Sir?

Kang: STOP BLEEPING ME! I’M TRYING TO KEEP IT REAL!

Shizuka: Sir, I don’t think Kim would allow—

Kang: Listen, this is our one way ticket to big ballin’, shot callin’ and… Stuff.

Shizuka: (sighs) You were going to “declare evil,” Master Kang?

Kang: WORD! So like… Yeah so my dudes and dudettes were like, “Declare evil, Kang, we love you so much, we want to be with you!” And I’m like whoa, hold on let your man do his thing! So like…



KIM “BIG” DONG HWAN! Yo, dude, you are the MAN. I been reading your stuff, watching, all that stuff. YOU ROCK SO HARD, MAN. Like shred on a guitar made of dragon guts and 200 proof vodka! For real. It’s like a fiery, drunk, rapping raptor trying to sell coke for a living. SICK! You ARE awesome! Dude, give your boy a shout out sometime. We can cruise the—NO—come to Italy, man. I’ll show you a good time! FOR REAL! Achoo way arborous! Ya’ll know what I’m doing!

Shizuka: Sir, you really should exercise some restrai—

Kang: SANDWICH TIME!

Shizuka: (shuts down booth) Yes, sir.

[Nightscape]

Hours before Operation: B-Day Bash at the Justice HQ...

Adel: I'm still quite confused about this whole "celebrate Maxi's birthday" thing we've been doing for… what? Two? Three?

Jae: Four.

Adel: (flabbergasted) Four years!?

Seo: (hanging up ribbons) No one has ever celebrated my birthday...

Dong Hwan: The prerequisite for celebration is likability.

Seo: (teary eyed)

Adel: This is insanity! Maxi is the ONLY person who get this treatment every year on May 1st! Why? He's not a member of the Alley. He's not even a "good" guy by Master Kim's standards. The man is a pirate for crying out loud!

Dong Hwan: (puts out funny hats) You some kind of ninja lover or something?

Adel: I think you're missing the point here...

Rose: (enters with flourish) I believe what my manservant—

Adel:  Brother!

Rose: (dismissive) Yes, yes. That. (grand voice) As I was saying! I believe what he’s trying to say is that this worship is completely unfounded, foolish, and superficial.

Dong Hwan: Kids these days and their thesauruses. (puts out presents)

Jae: You know, you two haven’t even been here long. Who are you to question our traditions?

Adel: All I want to know is—

Rose: Why oh why do you all try so very hard!?

Adel: (sighs) Thank you, Rose…

Dong Hwan: Maxi is a pretty cool guy. He fights Soul Edge and doesn’t afraid of hell spawn.

Jae: Dong is right; Maxi is a likable guy.

Seo: Unlike me…

Jae: Maxi is devoted, easy to get along with, funny, and his birthday is the same day as the—

Adel: I’ve heard enough, thank you. (walks away) I can’t believe we devote an entire day to this. Kim hasn’t declared ANY evil in almost five months, Jhun hasn’t done anything with the compound or trained anyone to do anything, and all you guys sit around prepping for parties for people who don’t even support our cause in the least. I’m going out. (leaves)

Rose: Adieu, my friends! (trots away)

Dong Hwan: Now that the FNGs are gone let’s fix this place up before Kang, Kim, and Jhun show up.

Seo: For great justi—

End of Part 1 of 2.

Seo: Why me...?

[Don Vecta]

Maxi's birthday, a classic... BTW, Maxi hasn't been declared evil yet, has he?

[Nightscape]

Maxi's birthday, a classic... BTW, Maxi hasn't been declared evil yet, has he?

Maxi is getting a free ride.

WATAA!!!