"Would you like some cheese with your WHINE?" Stress Rant Corner

[Don Vecta]

Sorry about the cat, man. :3

[Eddie]

Thanks Sera and Vecta. it's been over a week since Zé died. I'm getting used to it, despite that I still miss him a bit. To put it simply that cat was family so yeah.

---

DAMMIT DAMMIT DAMMIT DAMMIT!!!

The self-loathing in me is strong right now. In order to any of this to make any kind of sense i'll tell a short tale of how a guy decided to just not get invested in anyone anymore, thus forcing himself into not trying to be with anyone that was way back in late 2005 early 2006, the guy was me. I was playing it safe because I seem to have a gift to get emotionally invested into the girls that don't want to be with me. Now fast forward the present day and the past month after my return from Germany i've let my guard down and thought I could try again. And dammit, she warned me that she was going for casual and i've just had, HAD, to try and be more positive, think i could beat the odds, to let myself get invested and outright say I loved her even when what little common sense I had left told me otherwise because it would end up just the same as 6 years ago. And I didn't listen. I saw the signs, got worried back before my cat died because she was distant and when I told her my cat died she didn't want to make things worse she took pity on me.

The worst of it is that for the last 6 years I have always been a very reasonable person when it comes to helping friends deal with their problems regarding their afflictions when it came to love. And despite all my knowledge, I could not do the same for myself. Which is why this is hitting so hard right now, it's too much shit going down at too short a period of time. I'm working a shit job on retail which in less than a month i've grown to hate it, my cat died and the girl I was with lost interest in me so easily when I finally decided to let myself try again. I wanted to give her everything, all the love I could muster and that was it, it ended with me making a fool of myself proclaiming that I loved her in a bar after having the shittiest weeks ever with her just looking like she barely cared about anything, that if anything this was just a cruel way to get rid of me for good despite having nearly 8 years of what used to be a decent friendship.

Maybe this is a sign, that I may have to do something more drastic, maybe move back to my hometown where I know that at the very least will have better learning opportunities for my field. Because if I stay here I won't go anywhere with my life, this town has always been so backwards in so many ways. I need to be someplace where I can be more liberal without worrying about social acceptance ... or maybe i'm just talking out of my ass. I've being doing my hardest to be a good guy to do good things since i've always believed in the concepts of Karma but being good never got me anywhere. I'm really sorry you guys, I vent so much at this thread it hardly even feels fair to you all, you all got tons of serious problems as well (some that I know are way worse than mine), but it always seem that I keep doing all the venting. I'm disappointed in me, in many ways. I wish I could deal with this better, be more colder, non-chalant or whatever, but it's always been like this, whanever I start feeling good about one thing I get sent back into the downward spiral...

...I need a drink...

Thanks you guys for putting up with my (teenage-like) bullshit. Y'all get extra points for putting up with me like this.

[Don Vecta]

Well... adapting into a labor world after college it's not an easy start and there's tons of disappointments since sometimes we expect shit would be magical and easy as soon we get a degree... but yeah, starting over it's never an easy thing.

If you think staying in the place you are will not make you advance any longer, yeah, time to move on. You are still in a good age to experiment different environments, places and people so you can find where you belong to... or at least where you can develop yourself to the fullest.

Chin the fuck up and keep fighting! Life's not only tragedies, i know you're a talented man and fuck! You are a designer! Start working on your own shit in your spare time! Who knows? We might see your stuff in some high end malls someday? Keep it up!

[Eddie]

Thanks Vecta, i've been chatting with a lot of people that have been supportive in many different ways, some in a (deservedly) more mean way while others took it easy on me. My boss let me off for the day to cool my head and i've chatted with a lot of people. I've been coming to the conclusion that i've been holding myself back for too long in many ways, for not speaking my mind more often or to even have the appearance when it comes to clothes and all. Mostly because peer pressure due to fearing of being looked down and not being able to get a job because people would look at me like a weirdo.

I want to embrace the weirdo that I am and i've been putting it off for too long, the whole "trying to be normal" never worked, I guess I needed a hard slap in my consciousness to realize that and nothing like having such a shit month to help me do so. But i'm grateful that I could count on people here from the boards as well as my other friends who have been awesome and supportive. I hope to be past this soon despite the odds telling me otherwise and i'll always keep them in mind. I've always been cautious hoping for the best expecting the worst and yesterday I caught myself only hoping for the best and denying the worst because I wanted the best really bad.

In any case i'm chilled, i'm still a little blue about it but my head feels like it's getting back in place, the anger is fading and I might get a good night worth of sleep later on. So thank you guys for being awesome, wish I could pay you all a few rounds of beer for putting up with my shit, but know that I owe you guys and i'm be glad to pay back the favor whenever you guys need.

[Don Vecta]

heh! let loose, man! Get your own groove on. People will respect you more from what you are, nobody likes a wannabe. Follow your own style and create what you want and like.

[OrochiLeonaUK]

The worst of it is that for the last 6 years I have always been a very reasonable person when it comes to helping friends deal with their problems regarding their afflictions when it came to love. And despite all my knowledge, I could not do the same for myself.

This is the way it always goes, and not just where romance is concerned. This isn't a flaw in you It's a flaw in being human.

[Sera]

Thanks Sera and Vecta. it's been over a week since Zé died. I'm getting used to it, despite that I still miss him a bit. To put it simply that cat was family so yeah.

[...]

 I'm really sorry you guys, I vent so much at this thread it hardly even feels fair to you all, you all got tons of serious problems as well (some that I know are way worse than mine), but it always seem that I keep doing all the venting. I'm disappointed in me, in many ways. I wish I could deal with this better, be more colder, non-chalant or whatever, but it's always been like this, whanever I start feeling good about one thing I get sent back into the downward spiral...

...I need a drink...

Thanks you guys for putting up with my (teenage-like) bullshit. Y'all get extra points for putting up with me like this.

Oh~, don't mention it and don't worry, Eddie. Venting is what this thread is for. As you said, everyone has their problems, and, I add, everyone can make use of this thread, if they want. That's one of the good things of the Internet: almost all of us live quite far from each other, but we can talk each other here. Unfortunately that isn't equivalent to giving material help, however even only venting, being listened to, sharing opinions, receiving suggestions, support or a virtual pat on the back could be useful. Again, venting is what this thread is for, so I don't see why you shouldn't.

I've been coming to the conclusion that i've been holding myself back for too long in many ways, for not speaking my mind more often or to even have the appearance when it comes to clothes and all. Mostly because peer pressure due to fearing of being looked down and not being able to get a job because people would look at me like a weirdo.

I want to embrace the weirdo that I am and i've been putting it off for too long, the whole "trying to be normal" never worked, I guess I needed a hard slap in my consciousness to realize that and nothing like having such a shit month to help me do so.

I think you should do what makes you feel better or less worse. I've felt different from most people at least ever since I was a teenager (different principles, different way of thinking, different way of having fun, different tastes in many things) so I speak from personal experience. I tried what other people enjoyed to see if I could enjoy it too, but it almost never worked. At first it seemed a bit strange to feel different, but then I accepted it. It really isn't worth to get bored, waste time and do things that don't interest us just to "try to be normal". The only thing I've given up to some extent (despite the fact that giving it up still bothers me) is my own way of dressing. I don't like to draw people's attention, I don't like to be looked/stared at only because I wear something a bit different from usual or something in a bit different way from usual. Giving up part of what my way of dressing would be makes me feel less worse than being stared at, so I usually "dilute" my own style and keep only bits of it.

Good luck with everything and don't worry, things will get better. I had a "bad-luck-doesn't-seem-to-want-to-stop-and-unexpected-bad-and-not-so-good-things-keep-happening" period not long ago, but, even though I'm still full of doubts, now I can think about them with a little bit more calm.

[Eddie]

Thanks everyone, this month has been hell but everyone showed an incredible amount of support. Be it with kind and not so kind words, my boss gave me the weekend off to get my shit together and talking to everyone has helped me get better. I'm making my plans and will start working on them tomorrow see about quitting the job after my contract is over and start working on improving myself maybe moving back to my hometown. Of course i'm not entirely ok, i'm still hurting over the fact that my cat remains dead that's still hitting me really hard and what went down with that girl.

Speaking of which, what truly bothers me was the way she rejected me. We've been friends for about 8 years, granted we didn't meet very often but when we did we always had fun talking to one another and really never had any problems sharing secrets and embarrassing stories, i've watched her go thru some bad shit and she saw me in bleak times as well. It wasn't like we were strangers that met in a bar. But the words she used and her expression, how it seemed like it didn't bother her at all whilst forcing a smile, when she said that it was over one night when I was dropping her off home one evening a little earlier because I had to get up for work early in the morning. And it was in that car-ride that the whole thing was dead, just in an instant it just snapped at her and I didn't have any chance no signs other than the following silence of the days after but with no reason at all that she just didn't want it anymore barely any reason at all, blaming it on her borderline personality. How I should delete the cell-phone number, messages, unfriend her on facebook like I was supposed to erase her existance of my life. But saying that in such a cold fashion. Like nothing really mattered.

I'm a bit mad, but mostly i'm feeling sorry for her, because she easily gets invested in scumbags that treat her like shit, I saw that many times before and yet she admitted that she never hooked up with guys like me who made an extra-effort to treat her right that I was a good guy. And I was not only willing to give this a chance but truly wanted her to feel good because I was always fond of what we had as friends and he way of being and yet she couldn't bring herself to even try or be a little selfish to enjoy herself and after all this what'll happen is that she'll repeat her self-destructive cycle. It truly damaged her last year that I was absent in my studies to help out but she still plays at the edge of what messed her up back then keeping bad company and all around having vengeful thoughts and plans against other people.

I want her to be happy and if being with her would help her achieve that I would have been more than glad to deliver because I was ready to give her my love. But I just don't see her having a happy ending. This will be the last time I bring up the subject. Thanks again to you all for putting up with me, hopefully next time i'll be posting good news.

[cactusmomma]

I have to go in for a second back surgery sometime in the next couple of months to get a rod put into the cervical section of my spine. The current fusion is actually pushing the top part into my spinal cord and is causing atrocious pain. I am furious that my little brother stole all but 3 of the 22 morphine I had. Part of the anger is because I am now going through the pain all over on top of withdrawals. The other part is my mother flipping out on this and that he acted like my best friend, even as they were in his pocket. I am here on vacation to see my family for the holiday and he pulls this crap. Thanks a ton, jackass. Now, my husband doesn't want us to come out and see them anymore due to the drama it's turned into.

I'm inclined to agree.

[Eddie]

Damn, stealing prescribed morphine for the pain after the surgery? That's just low. Can't blame your husband for feeling that way. But keep your chin up momma, you've already went thru the first surgery and came out well enough, i'll be cheering for a speedy recovery and that your bro gets some sense knocked into his head for pulling stuff like that. It ain't cool at all.

[Don Vecta]

Yeh, that's kinda... you know, acting like a bum. 

[cactusmomma]

He finally asked about how I was doing without them today and I let him know in no uncertain terms that I know he took them and even more bitterly that I am furious with him. He got really friendly and couldn't look me in the eye.

Fantastic.

[cactusmomma]

So.. the good news: That other back surgery? Not happening. Still good.
The bad? Extensive nerve damage down the whole way.

Let's hope the pain specialist can take care of things without the need for morphine tomorrow.

[OrochiLeonaUK]

^ so where does this situation stand now? what are your options?

[cactusmomma]

He gave the next dose of morphine, but it's dated for August 1. I'm not going to argue over a couple weeks. If anything, it's been letting my body rest and reset. For now, my neurontin has been upped, the morphine/mscontin will continue, and I'm getting back into aquatic physical therapy.

Till we figure out what to do.. I'm taking it easy.. essentially back to living in the big comfy chair.. and trying to swim for exercise. Slow is how it's going to go. Funnily enough, my lawyer seemed amused when he found out that I promised to be in the bed next to my brother when I threatened his ass.