Thanks Sera and Vecta. it's been over a week since Zé died. I'm getting used to it, despite that I still miss him a bit. To put it simply that cat was family so yeah.
DAMMIT DAMMIT DAMMIT DAMMIT!!!
The self-loathing in me is strong right now. In order to any of this to make any kind of sense i'll tell a short tale of how a guy decided to just not get invested in anyone anymore, thus forcing himself into not trying to be with anyone that was way back in late 2005 early 2006, the guy was me. I was playing it safe because I seem to have a gift to get emotionally invested into the girls that don't want to be with me. Now fast forward the present day and the past month after my return from Germany i've let my guard down and thought I could try again. And dammit, she warned me that she was going for casual and i've just had, HAD, to try and be more positive, think i could beat the odds, to let myself get invested and outright say I loved her even when what little common sense I had left told me otherwise because it would end up just the same as 6 years ago. And I didn't listen. I saw the signs, got worried back before my cat died because she was distant and when I told her my cat died she didn't want to make things worse she took pity on me.
The worst of it is that for the last 6 years I have always been a very reasonable person when it comes to helping friends deal with their problems regarding their afflictions when it came to love. And despite all my knowledge, I could not do the same for myself. Which is why this is hitting so hard right now, it's too much shit going down at too short a period of time. I'm working a shit job on retail which in less than a month i've grown to hate it, my cat died and the girl I was with lost interest in me so easily when I finally decided to let myself try again. I wanted to give her everything, all the love I could muster and that was it, it ended with me making a fool of myself proclaiming that I loved her in a bar after having the shittiest weeks ever with her just looking like she barely cared about anything, that if anything this was just a cruel way to get rid of me for good despite having nearly 8 years of what used to be a decent friendship.
Maybe this is a sign, that I may have to do something more drastic, maybe move back to my hometown where I know that at the very least will have better learning opportunities for my field. Because if I stay here I won't go anywhere with my life, this town has always been so backwards in so many ways. I need to be someplace where I can be more liberal without worrying about social acceptance ... or maybe i'm just talking out of my ass. I've being doing my hardest to be a good guy to do good things since i've always believed in the concepts of Karma but being good never got me anywhere. I'm really sorry you guys, I vent so much at this thread it hardly even feels fair to you all, you all got tons of serious problems as well (some that I know are way worse than mine), but it always seem that I keep doing all the venting. I'm disappointed in me, in many ways. I wish I could deal with this better, be more colder, non-chalant or whatever, but it's always been like this, whanever I start feeling good about one thing I get sent back into the downward spiral...
...I need a drink...
Thanks you guys for putting up with my (teenage-like) bullshit. Y'all get extra points for putting up with me like this.